there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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