remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
