i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
