one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
