I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
