I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
