her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
