is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
