I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
