Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
