Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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