I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
