Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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