I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
