I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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