My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
