You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
