would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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