I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
