So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
