she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
