going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
