So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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