I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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