The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
