In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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