mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
