She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
