Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
