Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
