i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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