why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
