you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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