Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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