sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
