I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
