You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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