mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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