I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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