is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
