Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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