I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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