Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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