Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
