Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
