Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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