Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
