When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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