My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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