bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
