i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
